Every 31 December is an emotional climax culminating in that euphoric handful of seconds that drag us from the old year to the new one, brimming with energy, expectation and motivation.
Every January, hit by that breath of crisp air, we feel ready to take over the helm of our lives and embark on a new course, following the compass of good resolutions.
I thought about this year’s resolutions to shake up sex life and I choose to pick one out: stepping out of the comfort zone.
Sexual comfort zone
The sexual comfort zone is synonymous with that hideous word ‘routine’. It’s the stable and secure island of habitual behaviours and well-known situations where the excitement drops proportionally to the decrease in the risk factor.
For many couples, it’s a bedroom with all the lights out that opens at evening hours, preferably on weekends, and not more than twice a week.
By dawdling along lazily in the comfort zone, people forget to explore, experiment, learn and end up getting bored.
Stepping out of the comfort zone and navigating uncharted waters, faced with new situations, is an opportunity for learning, growth and self-improvement.
Setting sail takes courage and resourcefulness, causes a moderate level of anxiety and involves the risk of making errors and course corrections, but gives a chance to get to the land of fulfilment and satisfaction.
10 ways to step out of your sexual comfort zone
1. Communicate what you like (and what you don’t)
The only way of matching sex with love and pleasure and have a really satisfying sex life as a couple is to be open and honest with your partner about your desires. Communicating what you like and what you don’t (or what you’re curious about) means sharing useful information to be used for the sexual fulfilment of both partners.
2. Try out a new position
Experimenting a new position is a way to improve the connection to your partner by venturing together into an unknown territory where to start from the same level of arousal to learn something together. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to refine your contortion techniques or to challenge gravity: you can make a change to your favourite position or try out a new one and maybe find out a new way to experience pleasure with your partner. Get inspired here.
3. Get outside of the bedroom
Some simple changes of scenery, every now and then. may add fun and spontaneity to the couple’s sex life.
Before walking out the door, you can step outside the bedroom, start using the kitchen area out of meal times, look at all the house surfaces with fresh eyes.
Getting stuck together on the dining room table might not lead to an orgasmic epilogue but instead to a genuine synchronised laugh that increases complicity, brings new energy and may turn into a prelude to a pleasurable love-making session back in bed.
4. Share a fantasy with your partner
The most precious and intimate gift you can give to your beloved one is free access to your mind. Overcoming shame and the fear of not being accepted and understood by the partner and communicating the most intimate desires enhance closeness and improve the sex life quality by building connection.
Before to open up to your partner, you need to create an environment in which everyone feels free to express their own desires without worrying about being judged or not to find approval.
When it comes to communication, there’s something that straight lovers have to learn from gay ones: read my past article Lucky for gay people if the straights are not honest.
5. Act out a fantasy
Sharing fantasies with the partner allow you to go together anywhere in the endless land of imagination and uncover new fantasies. Even though every partner has very different fantasies and not all the fantasies that work with closed eyes would be equally exciting in reality, you can find a sexual desire that is arousing for both and make it a reality.
6. Introduce sex toys to couple play
Using sex toys as a component of the couple’s sex life is a way to experience different stimulations, understand and communicate what everyone likes and explore new kinds of pleasure (anal, prostatic).
There are sex toys for every sexual gender and orientation, toys specifically designed for couple use, or for male or female pleasure.
Exploring the options and choosing together what to start with, works as an intriguing anticipation of what’s coming next and lets the excitement build progressively.
7. Explore masturbation
When it comes to masturbation, especially female masturbation, escaping the comfort zone means breaking down taboos, myths and prejudices.
Masturbation helps you explore your body and understand its responses, and is a fulfilling experience of sexual pleasure to enjoy alone or as a couple.
Including masturbation in the couple’s sex life allows to shift the focus away from penetration and dedicate time to explore new sensations and stimulations together with the partner.
You can watch your partner as he touches himself, have your partner watch you or play the mutual masturbation game.
8. Discover a new erogenous zone
The experience of sexual pleasure is different for everyone in terms of gestures, stimulation and body’s responses. Take time to explore your and your partner’s body and discover new areas to stimulate and new ways of feeling pleasure.
9. Slow down
By pursuing the goal of reaching orgasm instead of feeling pleasure, we run the risk of leaving out all the activities other than intercourse.
Getting back to the endless kisses and turning foreplay into a complete pleasure experience can increase desire and synchronize the levels of arousal between you and your partner.
10. Embark on a sex challenge
This is a next level for those who feel like adventurers.
Some months ago a couple posted on Reddit a 30 Day Sex Challenge based on a list of 30 sexual activities, one for each day of the month.
The goal is pushing partners to step outside the comfort zone and spice up the sex life by trying new things together. The thinking behind it is probably related to the fact that ‘appetite comes with eating’, and so, consequently, the more sex you have the more you want. Surely you get hungry after the thirtieth day of the challenge.
Whether you feel like Sunday tourists, world explorers or pioneers advancing to the conquest of new lands, weigh anchor and leave the safe harbour of your comfort island under full sail, going in search of the lush lands of a sexuality free from taboos, social inhibitions and prejudice.
Don’t push yourself too far away for too long time: a short trip might be enough to enjoy the pleasure of the home comfort back from an adventurous holiday.
Have a safe trip and a happy new year
Le Sex en Rose
Featured image source: screenshot from the web series Unicornland – Season 1, Episode 4